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As an Army wife, it feels strange writing about my own experience with PTSD. I do not take the experiences of veterans who have suffered from PTSD lightly. But the reality is that PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is more common than most people think. It doesn’t just occur as a response to being in war. Many people suffer from it as a result of life-altering events. More recently, educators are acknowledging their struggles with PTSD. My own personal experience with PTSD started toward the latter part of the 2016-2017 school year. As a fifth-year teacher, I’d finally found my groove. I’d been working at this school for three years. I juggled various hats at the school including grade level chair, BETA club co-sponsor, an advisor for the girl’s mentoring group, the assessment contact for the school, and a member of the personalized learning committee. Most importantly, I was teaching the third-grade collab class. My students really were on varying learning levels. My lowest student was on a kindergarten reading level and my highest student was approaching sixth grade. I was absolutely overwhelmed with how to ensure that each student received what they needed. There was a special education teacher in my room for three-quarters of the day, but the workload was still too much to manage. The first half of the school year was incredibly demanding. All I can remember is meetings, assessments, data talks, repeat. I tried my best to stay on top of what was most important- teaching my students. Our planning time was limited. The little planning time I did have was filled with IEP meetings, collab meetings, and professional development. I felt like I couldn’t catch up and the demands were increasing. I had a student with significant mental issues who would often destroy part of my classroom and who would need to be restrained. Although he would shift the atmosphere of the classroom, I’d quickly draw the other students back on track. It was challenging performing when I wanted to just run away. The student was not getting the support HE specifically needed. Administration, although claiming they were on our sides, did not seem to care about what I was facing. When the letters of intent went out after the new year, rather than making a quick decision, I took the month to really think about what I wanted to do next school year. I knew that I couldn’t repeat another school year like this one. I talked to my husband and decided to take a leap of faith and resign for the next school year. Little did I know- this was the start of the worst semester yet. Admin started coming to my room for unannounced walkthroughs. They started nitpicking about everything. I was often summoned to the office for what was perceived to be a lack of engagement. I was accused of not caring as much as I did when I first started. Mind you, I was voted teacher of the year. I was competent and passion. I’d proven myself as a professional. When I decided to take a day off to go to the doctor (since I’d been putting it off because I didn’t want to use MY SICK days…), an administrator called me one evening and reprimanded me for not informing them before I requested the sick day. Imagine my confusion. I had never done that before. But I let it go. I was seeing a therapist at this time. She strongly encouraged me to complete FMLA paperwork in order to take time off. She was concerned about me and even considered referring me to a psychiatrist. I fought it. I didn’t want anyone at my school to know that I needed counseling and was struggling with anxiety and depression. Over the next few months, things got worse. I ended up going to the ER by ambulance because I had my second panic attack since working at this particular school. This was concerning to both my husband and I because I’d never had panic attacks before. Despite this situation, the administration did not care. The expectations were still high. They still came in my room. My grade level was often on the hot seat because of common assessment scores. Time and time again, I had to prove myself and justify everything. It was exhausting. As a recovering perfectionist, I was constantly questioning myself: “why is this so challenging? What’s wrong with me?” Since turning in my resignation letter, there was thick tension between the administrators and I. It was even more noticeable to me because of my professional relationship with my principal was previously excellent. I looked up to her and considered her a mentor. My feelings started to be hurt. I had several crying spells while at work. Each day, I would dread going to work and cry before leaving the house. Daily, my husband reminded me “it’s almost over.” The months of March, April and May went by slowly. Test prep was in full effect. Our lesson plans were looked at with a fine tooth comb. The micromanaging was mind-boggling. Many of my coworkers were concerned about me because of the constant dread and emotion I displayed. It was harder and harder to even pretend like everything was okay. As the end of the year approached and I began packing my room. My husband, who would be deployed soon, starting coming to my room to pick up my things so that I wouldn’t have to do it all alone. I specifically remember running into one of the admins as we were rolling stuff outside. All she could do was stare at everything. My things were in clear bins, so there was nothing to hide. A few days later, she sent an email saying there would be a checklist of classroom supplies we’d have to sign off on before leaving for the school year. I couldn’t believe the level they’d stooped to. When the very last day of post planning came and went, I cried. I’d carried so much hurt, frustration, disappointment, and stress. I couldn’t believe it was finally over. Although about eight months have passed since I finished the school year, I still have overwhelming anxiety about returning to the classroom. I still have mental images of the various stressful episodes from last school year. Because I know I’m still committed to the education field, I have started doing the work to heal. I’ve been attending counseling and other professional developments that fuel me. I’ve invested in my health and wellness. One of the biggest lessons I learned in that no one is in control of my wellness other than me. It is my responsibility to know when to walk away from something that doesn’t feel good to my soul. Educators, I encourage you to take inventory of how you are truly doing. Don’t allow fear of the unknown to keep you in a position that’s slowing killing your spirit. You are worth being taken care of. You are worth investing in. Please learn from my experience and know when to walk away, even if it is only temporary.

Brittany wears many hats including wife, educator, mentor, and friend. She has made it her life’s...

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9 Comments

  1. Thank you for this. I can honestly and unfortunately say that I too am experiencing similar issues at the school I work at. I am only a 2nd year teacher but have known since the beginning this role as an educator is for me. But at times I start to think if i’m good enough? If i’m what these specific type of kids need in a good educator. My passion for teaching is real and I value my ability to build relationships with all my students, but am I good enough? My doubt does not outweigh my passion, but when it comes it definitely does damage to my mental health. The struggle is real, and I can only hope it gets better. Again, thank you for this ^_^

  2. Thank you. Those who think that PTSD, teacher bullying, and harassment by colleagues and admins are simply figments of one’s imangination – well, they should step i to our worlds and experience what we do. I have struggled off and on with this for awhile. Unfortunately, even though I have told family and friends and have reached out to them for support, their responses have been little more than platitudes and “praying for you”. The effects of PTSD, and the anxiety that accompanies it, still come back – especially during deadlines. There is still some good in teaching, but i am tired of having to manage the constant shifting of multiple job sites and districts, with no real guidance (or only email support.) It is not easy handling this solo.

  3. As a 30+ year veteran in education, I can assure you that it’s not you. Last year was the most HORRIBLE year that I have EVER experienced, and I’m just getting to where I can acknowledge it as PTSD. It took a little while to fully process what all I had been feeling that year, and when it hit my body went haywire. By the grace of God I’ve gotten through it. The Lord led me to my current position in a private school which is truly a gift. For a long time I was terrified and mistrustful and was wondering if I should even go on in education. In retrospect, the entire district is a SHAM and should be closed as all they are doing is perpetuating the business plan and leadership objectives of Hell. The pay was stellar- because working in the schools are like entering a war zone. I earned every DIME of my salary. And what blew me away was that EVERYONE was acting like having to lock off half of the school to keep 9th graders from having sex everywhere was NORMAL!

  4. Reading this was like reading my own diary of my last years of teaching. After 26.5 years in the classroom, I too resigned. The unreasonable, impossible demands, increasing class sizes, lack of administrative support, and even vindictiveness, made me physically sick, I loved teaching. But I could not work in an atmosphere where my integrity was continuously eroded.

    Right now, I work part time as a ski instructor, which is a joyful thing, and is restoring my health. I am taking this year to allow myself to heal before considering what I may do next. But, I will never spend another day in a public school classroom.

  5. Wow! This is exactly how I feel! I’ve lost my passion for teaching, something that started when I taught my younger brother to read and used to force him to play school. I know that I’m a natural teacher but the education system has really become a mess at the expense of brilliant educators who carry the brunt of society”s problems. We need to start sharing our stories so people realize what is going on in education!

  6. Brittany-

    THANK YOU for sharing!!! I know your story…because I have lived it too. I believe PTSD Is a very lonely experience, especially in this situation. Even though very close colleagues try to empathize, I know I started feeling like a “leper,” perceiving that no one wanted to be around me for fear it could be catching. (It felt so lonely.)
    Unfortunately, some school cultures perpetuate fixed mindsets about how schools should function for the people working there and there is no regard of what is really happening in classrooms today. This mindset can set the tone for all staff and pervade the culture in a sick way.

    When you’re in a “get up and repeat” cycle with no time for reflection and strategizing with supportive administrators, it feels like you’re just working in a negative “gotcha environment.” It truly feels like an out of control nightmare.

    Having lived through several years of what you described…I have been able to come out on the other side of it now with a new principal who identifies strengths in people rather than looking for weaknesses.

    This was one of the worst experiences of my life. I’m nearing retirement as a special educator (yay!) however, all these past experiences are not forgotten and at times I can still be wary when overworked. I have a few key takeaways that I carry with me that I try to remember because I never want to relive that nightmare in any capacity I find myself in.

    1. Identify feelings that don’t feel right sooner than later. Acknowledge them.
    2. Be explicit about what is really happening in your class and what is not working (especially with students who need more than you can provide).
    3. Get your union to support you. Use the contract to support your case. Document; cc people who need to know & can help.
    4. Put one foot in front of the other and know this will end, maybe not now…but it will.
    5. Be kind to yourself…take time for yourself.
    6. Talk to people who know and love you unconditionally.
    7. Look out for yourself. Notice when things don’t feel right and say something about it in a non combative way that protects you. Have witnesses if necessary.
    8. Stand up for yourself- you’re a professional. Be confident even when you’re not feeling it.

    This week, I have been feeling overwhelmed with that work, repeat approach and challenged with so many students who are so troubled and have acting out behaviors, I’ve needed to recover by just resting. All I can say is that, Brittany you sound like a great person and solid teacher…you WILL be stronger because of this!

    You still have a long career ahead of you, I would love to hear that you have become an administrator who makes a difference in developing staff to be their best by acknowledging them and recognizing what a tough job education really is….and just do the best you can by modeling your beliefs.

    Having lived through this horrible experience you have a unique perspective. Remember the theory of “low affective filter,” in teaching ELL students? No one can endure high levels of stress and learn at the same time. The same is true for all learners including life long learners such as teachers – as an admin. you have the ability to help create learning environments for ALL that support rather than destroy!

    I believe in you Brittany, just like your husband who sounds so supportive. Keep loving and supporting each other.
    One step at a time….

  7. Omg!
    I had no idea I had written so much!! I think your post really touched close to home for me….sorry it was such a long response, thanks for reading it if you get through it all! Again, Brittany – thank you for your vulnerability….
    Wishing you and your family the best!

  8. To Brittany and Educators that have PTSD

    I am a former special education teacher that stayed in the field too long. My situation was so severe that I actually disassociated didn’t know that it could get that serious. The administration and heads of school districts need to support their educators and personal in regards to the real dangers of teaching after being diagnosed with PTSD. There is a lack of education and understanding for educators. For those of us who have been in the trenches accommodations need to be made for educators so unintentional mistakes aren’t made this is not only the educators responsibility, but also involves all those on the professional team. Mental health and sickness are real. You have to be honest with yourself if you aren’t it can have a devastating impact on your career. There are other options besides actually being in the classroom such as teaching online, and tutoring. Don’t hang in there get out if you have PTSD. Frequently our students are not getting the professional mental health support that they need and we are expected to magically cure them. .I made it for 15 and a half years I have my pension, but I stayed in it too long. PTSD symptoms will return if subjected to enormous amounts of stress be safe. It has been difficult and heartbreaking I miss my students. Wishing you well be safe.

  9. Post concussion syndrome and PTSD have kept me out of work since early fall 2018. I have been a Special Education teacher for more than 30 years, I have nightmares, panic attacks, cannot focus or concentration for more than 10 minutes at a time.

    I feel alone colleagues that I have worked with for years don’t contact me….

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