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Welcome to The Educator’s Room advice column for teachers! Today we’re helping a teacher dealing with the aftermath of their daughter’s sleepover. We’re also helping a teacher who’s trying to survive the rest of the school year with a bad co-teacher. See what our writers have to say, then share your own advice in the comments! You can read a couple of our previous editions of Ask The Educator’s Room here and here. Got your own question for The Educator’s Room? Submit it here.
Dear The Educator’s Room,
I am a new teacher in the building- my daughter also attends the high school. This weekend my daughter had a sleepover, and apparently, some drama’s happened, which has caused some of her former “friends” to say nasty things about my family (i.e., we allow her to drink at home, we’re not good parents, and my daughter is promiscuous). How do I handle this and keep my job? Note: I know this because another parent (whose child attended the sleepover and was one of my child’s closest friends) complained to my principal. (via TER’s FB page)
Sincerely,
Sick of Drama
Dear Sick,
Don’t you love when teen and adult dramas collide? It’s a humbling reminder that the habits of our teen students that annoy us are alive and well past the age of sixteen too.
It seems like you know this parent since your daughters were friends. Can you have a respectful conversation with them about how this is hurting you and your daughter? Perhaps being upfront can help you all escape combatting the high school rumor mill, which seems both counterproductive and extremely childish.
Anyone who has made it through high school (or lives in our age of social media) knows how gossip and misinformation can spread, so I don’t think it’s a stretch to assume the other parent would understand.
Say something like, “Hey, I know our girls are going through it right now, but it seems to have gotten out of hand, and I am worried that she is being unnecessarily targeted. Unfortunately, it has leaked into my professional life as well, and I would really like to clear things up so we can all move on productively and respectfully. How can we do that?”
If they are unreasonable for whatever reason, I’m afraid this has to just be an instance of “shake it off” for both you and your daughter. You know what’s true and what’s false, and the haters are indeed gonna hate–until the next tidbit of juicy gossip crops up, and all is forgotten.
- Emma-Kate
Dear Sick,
It’s important to decide what kind of resolution you hope to have. As teachers know, we can’t control what others say or think; we can control our response. Facing a difficult and frustrating situation with a calm demeanor and respectful tone is a powerful way to regain control.
If a parent from the sleepover complained directly to your principal, they want to cause professional repercussions for you. It’s important to be proactive and arrange a meeting with your principal to explain the situation as you see it, allowing them to ask any questions they might have.
Keep the discussion cordial, and don’t attack the parent in question. Demonstrate to your principal that you are above gossiping and belittling others, no matter what they’ve said about you. This approach will help you stay in good standing with school leadership and allows you to demonstrate restraint and patience.
It’s up to you and your daughter to decide how you’d like to address this personally, but my advice is similar. Stay calm and be proactive if you believe a discussion is necessary. Often, people will say horrible things to others that they’d never say to your face, and they also don’t expect to be confronted with their own words.
I would reach out to the parents you coordinated the sleepover with and let them know that you are concerned the girls are struggling with their friendship post-sleepover and would like to work together to help them move forward.
Showing the other parents that you care about the well-being of the girls will make their gossip look petty. If they ignore you or are snide, you’ll at least know you took the high road and did what was best for your daughter.
- Theresa
Dear The Educator’s Room,
My co-teacher found out that I don’t wish to work with her next year. I don’t know how to approach this because she’s a horrid person. I don’t know how she found out. Her sudden change in behavior these past few weeks indicates to me that she knows. Perhaps admin or the coach told her. I don’t respect her and I don’t want to ever see her again. However, I have to stick it out till June. Any ideas on how to make it? (via Reddit)
Sincerely,
Ready for Next Year
Dear Ready,
If the cat’s out of the bag, trying to backpedal would be futile. Of course, you didn’t mean for her to find out or to hurt her feelings, but trying to say something like, “Oh no, you’re great, I love working together,” is insincere and could also lead you to get stuck in the same co-teaching situation again next year that you are very clearly unhappy with now.
Try to clear things up in a way that puts the onus on you rather than her. It does nothing to point out character or professional flaws, and using “I” language can help you speak your truth without being combative or unnecessarily cruel.
First, apologize for how she found out and clear up that you are really struggling with co-teaching and are hoping for a better situation that will help you both thrive. Be specific about what’s not working for you instead of generalizing (“During group work time, I feel…” instead of “I always feel…”). If you’re truly that miserable, I doubt this opinion will come as a shock.
Then, end on a positive note. Is there something you admire about her or something you’ve learned from her this year? Even if you have to dig pretty deep, I bet you can find something. Are you a really organized type A, and has she taught you to loosen up a bit? Does she leave school when she is supposed to and have a healthy work-life balance? Is she great at building relationships with the most stubborn kiddos?
Being honest but kind and focused from your perspective will help you both move along from an awkward situation as gracefully as possible.
- Emma-Kate
Dear Ready,
It’s possible she doesn’t know at all, and you’re assuming it’s about you due to the timing. It’s an easy assumption to make and could very well be accurate. Still, I would pretend for a moment that you didn’t make the request, and her behavior changed without warning. How would you handle that?
Despite your feelings toward her, I suggest being kind and supportive and even asking for her advice on a student issue. Since you work together in a single classroom, ignoring her or engaging in passive-aggressive behavior is not an option. That would be detrimental to your students and your mental health.
If she brings up the request, you’ll know she’s heard about it, and you’ll have an opportunity to clear the air. You’ll also know something about how much your school leaders value confidentiality.
You don’t have to respect someone to be respectful toward them, and you don’t have to be friends with someone to act friendly around them. In my teaching career, I’ve seen awful behavior among colleagues, and it makes me sad to know that this is so prevalent in our profession.
In my experience, it’s easy to get caught up in the drama of work relationships, and it’s even easier to feel validated when you vent to others about your frustrations. However, the best approach is the high road. It will be best for you, the students, and even your teaching partner.
You will be away from this person a year from now, but how you handle the situation will follow you and be a part of your legacy at the school. Make it a good one.
- Theresa
About the advisors
Emma-Kate Schaake is a National Board Certified English teacher in Washington state. She’s passionate about her teacher leadership role at the building and district levels, creating professional development on equity, school culture, and social justice. She writes about her ongoing journey to unlearn myopic history, act as an advocate for her students, and think critically about her role as an educator. Follow her on Instagram @msschaake
Theresa Pogach has been an educator for over fifteen years with experience in elementary and middle school classrooms. Beyond being an educator, she is a passionate student of history and an avid writer. Theresa has a BA in English from Loyola Marymount University and teaching credentials from Cal State University Los Angeles.
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