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Welcome to The Educator’s Room advice column for teachers! Today we’re helping a teacher who’s dating a student’s dad. We’re also helping a teacher whose community is grieving. See what our writers have to say, then share your own advice in the comments! You can read a couple of our previous editions of Ask The Educator’s Room here and here.
Dear The Educator’s Room,
I’m in love with a single dad whose kid is in my class. We’ve been dating for a year (we looped up), and we’re pretty serious. As we discuss the next steps, we’re considering going “public.”
Other than the stares, is there anything else I should know?
Sincerely,
Dating a Dad
Dear Dating,
If you’ve been teaching for any amount of time, you can probably anticipate many of the challenges. Students, fellow staff, and other families may have strong reactions to your relationship. But as a teacher, you probably have thick skin too.
My main piece of advice would be to check in with your partner’s child. Regardless of how old they are, they deserve to have a say in how this plays out. They are also likely to be affected in a whole range of ways, and they may not have the same coping strategies as you. Ask them how they feel about the school community knowing about your relationship with their dad. Ask them to share any hopes, fears, or questions. Follow their lead as much as possible. It may mean waiting a few months to go public. It might be hard, but as adults, a few months is quite manageable compared to what a few months of unwanted attention feels like as a young person.
Whatever happens, remember that you (and your partner and his child) deserve strong boundaries. Don’t let your professional life interfere with your romantic relationship or vice versa.
- Ruben
Dear Dating,
First, congratulations on your deepening relationship. I hope that it is fulfilling for you, your student, and your student’s father.
You are not the first or last school-related romance, nor are you the first teacher to have their own children, step-children, or the children of friends in their classroom. The longer we teach, the more inevitable all of these realities become.
My primary suggestion would be to discuss the relationship with your administration. They may have guidance as to how to handle the transition to a more public relationship, especially as your students start to take notice of your close relationship with a classmate’s parent. If they have concerns about how this might affect the classroom environment or perceptions of the classroom environment, they may have a plan already in place to deal with potential issues.
Yes, it is possible you will have to deal with stares and questions from your students and even their parents, but as long as you have maintained an open environment in your classroom and work to be fair with your students, I suspect most people will move on to other school gossip within a few weeks.
- Sarah
Dear The Educator’s Room,
On Sunday night, one of our students was killed in crossfire; he was an innocent bystander. He was a really sweet kid and wanted to be a pastor when he grew up.
Our school community is devastated. I have never experienced anything like this in my career. Our counselors are ready to help.
As a mother, I can’t imagine. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? Besides therapy, what else did you do to help?
Sincerely,
Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken,
Unfortunately, far too many of us have dealt with student deaths. During my student teaching experience, the community suffered a significant blow when the marching band was in a bus accident that killed two students and a parent and injured most of the other passengers onboard.
In the years since, I’ve lost three of my own students. Each situation was different, but nothing prepares you for the loss of life, especially the life of a young person. And as teachers, we are faced with the reality that each of our students is going to deal with the situation differently while we are processing our own grief.
Thankfully, it sounds like your administration and guidance department have started out on the right path to help the school community cope with tragedy. Students – and teachers – need safe places to grieve and talk about how a death is personally affecting them.
As a teacher, be aware of your students and how they are responding. Grief will happen at random moments, and you cannot predict or fully understand who is feeling what or why. Partner with your school’s counselors to get all of your students the help they need.
In your own classroom, trust your instincts. When one of my seniors died during prom weekend, her classmates asked if they could make a memorial around her desk. Academically, they needed to get ready for the AP exam, but I knew that they needed to start healing emotionally first. On the first day back at school, I shared my experiences with a friend’s suicide during my junior year. I let them talk and play games. I put in a Disney movie. And they placed flowers on her desk. We took a day to just breathe. Then we got back to work. But part of that memorial remained until the end of the school year because that was what we all needed. We needed to both acknowledge our grief and recognize that life goes on.
No two tragedies are the same, but I encourage you and your colleagues to share your grief with each other and ask for guidance as you work with your students. Remember that community is necessary for both joy and sadness because, in the end, all we really have is each other.
– Sarah
Dear Heartbroken,
My heart breaks for your student’s family, friends, and school community. As a mother, I, too, cannot imagine this mother’s pain. As a teacher, I wish I could say that I have not had the experience of losing a student. I don’t think society realizes how common this is for educators.
My first piece of advice is to give yourself permission to be transparent with your grief and even your frustrations. In my experience, students often learn how to give themselves permission to acknowledge and express their feelings about traumatic events when they see that the adults in their lives are vulnerable with their emotions as well.
Try to find a variety of outlets for students to express themselves. It is good that the school has counselors available, but students might not be ready for that step. Instead, they may want to create artwork that includes a dedication to the student’s life. They can write letters to the student who passed away. Students can use journals to write expressions or affirmations. Digital spaces can also foster opportunities to express themselves privately. I always make sure my students are completely aware of my mandated reporter status before embarking on many of these strategies.
The last thing I will share is that when we lost a student to gun violence nearly twenty years ago, I met with my students and used many of these strategies. We came up with something we called a “Day of Peace and Remembrance.” Like yours, our student’s death rocked our entire school community. Since then, it has morphed into celebrating the life of the loss of loved ones and friends in any way, not necessarily due to violence. We celebrate family, friends, and others who had an influence on our lives. It is always a powerful and unifying event. Again, there is no one way to grieve, mourn, or honor the lives of students who touch our lives. Do whatever you need to not only be there for your students but to be there for yourself as well.Â
– Michele
about the advisors
Ruben Abrahams Brosbe is a former NYC public school teacher. He is currently the editor of The Educator’s Room.
Sarah Styf is a 19-year high school English teacher. She lives in the Indianapolis area with her husband and two children. She is passionate about education reform and civic engagement. She can be found on Instagram @sarah.styf and Twitter @sarahstyf.
Michele Lamons-Raiford is a hearing American Sign Language (ASL) and English teacher at Pinole Valley High School in the West Contra Costa Unified School District. She has been a High School teacher for the past twenty years, as well as an Adjunct Instructor at Solano Community College for the past fifteen years.Â
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