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Every teacher knows that classrooms are buzzing with excitement on Valentine’s Day. Students are eager to share cards and candy with their classmates; some even have a special someone they plan on giving a gift to. But, unfortunately, on a day filled with so much happiness in our classrooms, it is easy to forget our students who may be in a secret relationship because they are terrified of coming out. Or our students who are attracted to the same sex but refuse to let any of their friends know for fear of embarrassment. As a society, why have we shaped and molded Valentine’s Day into a heteronormative holiday? 

Many members of the LBGTQ community choose to shun the holiday due to its emphasis on heterosexual love. For many, the holiday is simply too uncomfortable for them to celebrate, and it does not include all forms of what “love” really is. As a teacher on the outside looking in, this statement is understandable. 

What is Heteronormativity?

Heteronormativity establishes “that only straight and cisgender identities are the norm. People and beliefs can be heteronormative, but so can things like institutions, laws, and cultures.” Heteronormativity encourages things like homophobia, transphobia, and gender identity-based discrimination, which can be detrimental to our students struggling with these issues.

In a society where heteronormativity has been set as the traditional bias for relationships, couples, and marriages, we overlook the harm and hurt it causes our students and friends in the LGBTQ community. For example, where are the Valentine’s Day cards with a gay couple pictured on the cover? Valentine’s candies with preferred pronouns on them? The truth is, these things are rarely recognized. Instead, Valentine’s Day is centered around cards labeled “him” and “her.” Teddy bears and candy support the “norms” of love and overlook nontraditional relationships. 

Navigating Valentine’s Day in the Classroom

Valentine’s Day has been celebrated for over 1,500 years. However, many people are unaware that Valentine’s Day is not only a cultural celebration but a religious celebration as well – and its origins are not full of happy hearts and flowers. According to NPR, Valentine’s Day traces its roots all the way back to Rome. It was a holiday celebrated with “drunken revel” and violent Pagan rituals. So when people argue that same-sex relationships or transgender partners were not in the picture during the origination of Valentine’s Day, it’s worth remembering what the original Valentine’s Day actually entailed. As a teacher, the hard truth about the history of Valentine’s Day makes me question why we are even celebrating it in our classrooms in the first place. Binge drinking and sexual abuse are two subjects that we often try to protect students from, but here we are unwittingly honoring them every February 14th. 

As teachers, we may feel as though heteronormativity would more likely have an effect on older students than on younger students, but our younger students definitely are not exempt from the pressures of sexual realization.  

Queer and trans people have been around for ages, but as times progress, more students feel comfortable sharing their feelings and choices with adults in their lives they are comfortable with. I strive to be one of those adults for my students. As teachers, we can encourage healthy relationships between our students, no matter their identities. We should also encourage our students to openly support and be kind to their classmates, no matter their sexual preferences. 

How Can Teachers Help Their Students? 

As teachers, we can celebrate a heteronormativity-free Valentine’s Day in our classrooms and strive to make our students feel comfortable, welcomed, and loved: 

  • Use inclusive language with our students regarding Valentine’s Day activities.
  • Educate ourselves on respecting our students’ feelings and preferences and understanding that Valentine’s Day, in particular, may be a sensitive time for them.
  • Acknowledge diverse family and relationship structures and give them the same equality as families with heterosexual parents.
  • If students are exchanging Valentines, allow them to use their preferred pronouns and encourage other students to honor and respect their classmates’ chosen pronouns. 
  • Encourage Valentine’s cards that break away from the “norm” and relay your students’ true feelings, even if this means letting them create them themselves. 
  • Allow students to celebrate Valentine’s Day as they see fit. 

A student learning in a safe and comfortable environment is naturally more likely to enjoy any school holiday, Valentine’s Day or not. It is time we do our part as teachers to create that safe space where our students can be themselves and happily live without sexual or gender-related stigma. 

Ashley Chennault is currently a freelance writer and 4th-grade teacher in the small coastal town of Ocean Springs, Mississippi. Ashley is in her 18th year of teaching and holds a master of arts degree in elementary education. In addition, she became Nationally Board Certified in 2020. In her free time, she enjoys her second job as a contract grant writer for philanthropy corporations, boating, beaching, cooking, watching her teenage sons play sports, and spending time with her three adopted wiener dogs, Georgie, Henry, and Tripp. 

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